Karma Is Very Real

I have spent a great part of my life ridiculing and belittling people from all walks of life – the handicapped, Japanese people, AIDS patients, Hare Rama devotees, and other idiots.

Today, I realized that I am slowly being punished for my evil ways.

I received a message in Facebook, of which I was one of the many recipients. Check it out yourself.



Yes, that’s right. Apparently I am an Indian girl who used to go SMK St. Mary. Jesus fucking Christ.

WHY DO THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME?

Look at that picture again. Everything about it is wrong. The message, the names of the girls. Dear Lord, help me.

Yes, yes, I can’t wait for our little reunion. I can see it already. A bunch of lumpy, stereotypically Tamil Indian girls dressed in big collared t-shirts and ¾ tights waddling about in some waterfall in Sungai Petani. I can already smell the sickeningly sweet stench of cheap hair oil.

To the genius who decided to include me in this abomination of a message, and to the person who gladly replied “Around August!” with such repulsive enthusiasm - A plague o' both your houses!

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOT AGAIN YOU LAZY BASTARD.

That's right. I didn't update my blog for some time (5 months?). And this is another tired "I'm back" post. You're welcome.

To be honest, I felt nobody was reading this shit. I'd rather post stuff on Facebook, where I could see people actively comment. This blog seemed a bit... dull.

Of course, like before, people started asking me why the hell I haven't updated the blog. So... looks like people ARE reading it. Meh.

So since I don't really have anything to add right now, I'll just let you have a few random thoughts of mine. I say thoughts, they're mostly rants.

-If you thought Sai Baba devotees were fucked up, retarded, faggy freaks who should be slowly tortured to death, you really have not encountered Hare Rama Hare Krishna devotees.

-Why do Malays chat-laugh like this - 'Wakakakaka' or 'Ekekekeke' or 'Huhuhuhu'? And why do they sometimes end a typed sentence with 'Erk'?

-To the Indians: Stop giving me shit about Surya being a serious 'actor'. He's just as retarded as Vijay and is a total joke. I wish I could take back the 15 minutes I spent watching Kaaka Kaaka - it was pathetic and you know it.

-Till this day, I'm not sure how to drive to One Utama.

-I finally got drunk with a Kazakh dude. I asked him about Borat and R Lizer and all he had to say was 'It's bullshit, man!'. He also invited me to his house in Almaty. Sweet.


That's all, folks. Will post higher quality shit the next time.

Kadhal Dot Com

Sorry, it’s been in my mind for way too long. A movie I made up (which turned out to be real. Well, at least the title is).



MOVIE PREVIEW OF…

Kadhal Dot Com

Three simple words.

One Meaning.

Love….


Starring Abbas, Harini, Prakash Raj, Dilli Ganesh, Visu


‘Kadhal Dot Com’ is a story of two people who are brought together through the Internet. Brought together in Love. By Love. For Love.

Although they remain cyber-lovers online, they have no idea that their families are great rivals and will never accept their union. When will their parents realise that their love is not only Kadhal… it is Kadhal dot Com.

>>LOGIN
>>ACCESSING WWW.KADHAL.COM
>>ENTER PASSWORD
>>ENABLING HTML
>>ENABLING FTP
>>ENABLING… LOVE….


Abbas plays ‘Karthik’, an honest, jovial youth who likes to have fun and drink with his uglier, darker friends. He loves chatting in the cyber café, but when he chats you can hear him speak out the dialogue in his mind so that you don’t really have to read what he’s chatting when you’re watching the movie.

Harini plays ‘Swarna’, a decent college girl who follows her father’s every wish. She, too, loves to chat.

Prakash Raj plays ‘Swarna’s Dad’, an uncompromising bastard who will learn about true love at the end of the movie. Well, not at the very end, just close to the end.

Dilli Ganesh plays the same role he has been playing for 30 fucking years.

Visu plays ‘Wise Older Man Who Teaches People Life Lessons By Manipulating Them in Hilarious Yet Touching Ways’.

Guy-Who-Looks-Like-Younger-Version-of-Vadivelu plays one of the ‘Uglier Darker Friends’.

Pandian plays nobody because he’s dead.



Some Song Lyrics

Track 3 – Cyber Ponnu

Hey hey
Nee than yen Cyber Ponnu
Kadhal dot com…
Cyber Ponnu login pannunge…
Hey hey!


Track 6 – Chatting La la la

Chatting La la la…
Chatting La la la…
Oooh yeahhh… Kadhal….cyber…SMS….
Chatting La la la…
Chatting La la la…


Track 7 – Mannusuku Email

Oowa oowa!
Internet ulagam… cyber kavithai…
Yennaku Yahoo, unnaku Googazh
Britney Spear dancing teriyuma…
(Rap) Yeah yeah, Kadhal.com
Friendster, Orkut is all just Kadhal for me
Check it out, check it out.


Lyrics by Vairamuthu’s retarded brother.

To ALL JAPANESE GIRLS: Why You Should Date Me

I like Schoolgirls

Fuck each and every one of you guys out there who says he doesn’t like schoolgirls. Well, to clear things up, I don’t really like school girls per se – I like girls in school uniforms, so they could be of any age. Then again, I’m a registered sex offender.

So, yes, Japanese girls, with me you can be free to wear that little sailor uniform. And the short skirt. And the high socks. And the white panties. Ok, no panties.

I Think Giggling is Sexy

I want you to giggle at everything I say. Preferably with one hand coyly covering your petite mouth. “Hey you look so cute!” GIGGLE! “Hey I love your Hello Kitty bag!” GIGGLE! “Hey my uncle's daughter got raped so he killed himself out of shame!” GIGGLE!

I like Your Body

Japanese girls are not flat! They’re perfect. Ok, maybe a bit flat, but still perfect. Each time I say I like Japanese girls to an Indian girl, she says “Oh, they’re so flat”. Well, sorry, I’m just not into huge child-bearing hips or ‘big because they’re fat’ boobs.

PS – I would like to clarify that Indian girls are not all big hips and fat boobs - some have moustaches too.

I’m Into Whimpering During Sex

Japanese girls don’t moan in pleasure or scream out your name during sex – they just plain whimper. Sometimes with a finger in the mouth. I’m doing her, and she’s whimpering – in pleasure, apparently! That is just so tits. Anyone who’s watched Japanese porn knows this. Fuck off, don't stare at me, you all have.

I’ll Piss On Your Face

First of all, we shouldn’t make fun of other people’s customs. People do things differently in other cultures. We kiss during sex, Japanese people just piss on each other. Don’t laugh, this is serious shit. That reminds me – they sometimes crap on each other too. But that’s just gross. Sick Japanese bastards.

Hate Mail I Received Because of This Post:

Dear Rajjiv,

I am a successful Japanese woman from Tokyo. This is a highly distasteful post that is both degrading to women and the Japanese. Japanese women are not sick perverse nymphs ready to serve you sexually. This is typical stereotyping that can only be produced from a mind so steeped in pornography and cheap television shows. I hope you burn in hell.

Anonymous

My Reply:

Dear Anonymous:

YES ME RIKEY YOU RONG TIME TOO. I RESPECT ALL JAPANESE WOMEN. I WISH FOR YOU TO GIVE ME MANY MANY SEXY TIME PREASURE IN PENIS AREA. I WANT TO DO YOU FROM BEHIND. THANK YOU PREASE. SAYONARA PREASE.

Rajjiv

BOOK REVIEW SECTION: Chicken Soup for The AIDS Patient’s Soul

The ‘Chicken Soup For The Soul’ series has long been a leading source of inspiration for millions worldwide. I remember my first read years ago – finding the original book in my grand-aunt’s antique bookcase, where she carefully kept all her most treasured books.

I remember her smiling as she saw me holding the book. It was rare to see her smile then – the cancer had taken a huge toll on her. She said to me gently “This is one of my favourite books. And I want you to have it.”

I nodded, but I never read the book. Video games and television had captured my attention. The book lay under my bed, gathering dust.

Two weeks later, my grand-aunt passed away. I remember family members shifting the old antique bookcase into the storeroom to make room for the funeral. Those books were her only treasure. I felt my heart grow heavy because I knew they would never be read again by eager eyes full of wonder. Her eyes.

When I got home, I picked up the old book my aunt had given me and opened it. And I felt my eyes fill with tears. My grand-aunt had written a single word on the front page – ‘Hope’.

With a warm cup of hot chocolate by my side, I snuggled into my old armchair and began reading ‘Chicken Soup For The Soul’.

Fifteen minutes later, I was drowning in a pool of my own thick glutinous vomit and feverishly clawing at my eyes like a rabid mongoose screaming "The gayness! The gayness!"

Screw you, Grand-aunt. Seriously, screw you.




Anyway, here are some stories from the latest edition of ‘Chicken Soup For The Soul’ – ‘Chicken Soup For The AIDS Patient’s Soul’.

The STD Inspirers

Everyone in this world has a purpose. No matter how insignificant you think you are, you live to inspire someone else.

We, the victims of AIDS, live to remind people how fragile life can be. (hesitant pause) Well, maybe LIVE isn't the right word to use here...

AIDS is not a limitation to faith. These days, finding a person with good faith is like finding a needle in a haystack. (hesitant pause) Well, maybe NEEDLE isn't the right word to use here...

Still, we press on. We never give up. We would rather die than stop trying. (hesitant pause) Well, maybe DIE isn’t the right word to use here...

So, even if you're a needle-sharing homosexual drug addict who has unprotected sex with multiple partners, there is still hope. (hesitant pause) Well, maybe NEEDLE-SHARING HOMOSEXUAL DRU...never mind.



Life’s Beauty – A Poem

The lilies beckon to the lonely dove
Little fairy folk on buttercups
I hear the song of a nightingale in love
You have AIDS



That Little Bastard

Once upon a time, there was a very sick little boy. Now, although he had to lie in bed all day long, he always wanted to go out and play. He often saw the other children outside his window, playing and laughing and longed to be with them. So he decided to pray.

He prayed “Dear Jesus. Please make me better so that I can go outside and play with my friends.” And so he said this prayer every single night before bedtime.

And one night, the boy opened his eyes and saw a man standing before him. This man had kind eyes and a beard. And Jesus said to the boy ‘My child, come closer and you shall know my love’. And Jesus kissed the boy on the forehead, and the boy fell asleep, dreaming of playgrounds and ice creams and lollypops.

When Jesus returned to Heaven, he was stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter because he had contracted AIDS from the little boy.

“That little bastard!” said Jesus.

The Gayest Movie Poster I’ve Ever Seen

I always thought that the gayest movie poster ever would either be a Tamil one or an Asian horror film/shitfest. But when I went to watch Star Trek (which was fucking brilliant by the way), I saw this:






Just take a moment to absorb the image. And then slit your throat open with a rusty knife licked by an AIDS patient, because that’s better than living with this absolute atrocity in your mind for even two seconds.

Oh and one more thing.

THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS SYURGA CINTA. THEY NAMED THE MOVIE SYURGA FUCKING CINTA.

Who’s the guy who came up with this bullshit? Who was the one in the production meeting who got up and said “I know! Let’s call this abortion of a movie ‘Syurga Cinta’. Who was that guy and why isn’t he horribly tortured to death yet?

Just look at the poster. Everything about it is just WRONG. The girl has this “I’m a dumb bitch” confused expression on her face like every worker in MPH who goes “Hah??” if you ask for a book that isn’t Harry Potter. The guy looks like your girlfriend’s male friend who follows her shopping when you’re not around and gives his unwanted opinions on your relationship. I already know he’s the type who doesn’t wear sunglasses, but yet has a pair perpetually perched on his head all the time. And the kid-


Ok, the kid is something else.

Take a look at the kid’s face. It’s that whole inane cutesiness that gets to me. His expression! He’s an annoying little bastard, isn’t he? He’s like a little midget who creeps into your room at night to kill you. Little midget bastard wearing a scouts uniform… oh god, who the fuck is designing all this?? Who is doing this shit??

I’ll tell y’all one thing la. This poster is so awful and clichéd, that it can already tell me the entire plot.

I will now write down the entire plot of this movie without knowing a single thing beforehand, and I guarantee you a 99% accuracy rate, or your money back.



The Plot of Syurga Cinta

-The Girl is the Kid’s teacher.

-The Guy is the Kid’s older brother/relative/neighbour.

-The Girl is looking for Mr Right. The Guy is always dating the wrong girl.

-The Kid decides to pair them up through many hilarious (gay) and cute (gay) ways, such as pretending to be sick in school so that the Guy has to come over and run into the Girl, or by sending text messages to both parties claiming to be the other.

-The Kid also has to make sure the rival love interest does not interfere in the relationship, e.g. stopping a slutty chick from going out with the Guy to a club, or putting laxatives into a suave male teacher’s coffee so he can’t ask out the Girl.

-There must be a breaking point where the Kid is forced to admit what he did, and the couple will be pissed off with the little bastard, but not for long because they realise that his little midget heart was in the right place.

-The Guy and the Girl soon realise they really love each other and the movie ends with a wedding, where the Kid sings/dances to a closing song number while we all try to wake up from a pool of our own vomit.



But just to make things interesting, if I had my say, this is how the movie would go:

-The Kid tells the Guy about his hot teacher. The Guy decides to seduce her.

-The Guy and the Girl go out for a while. He screws the shit out of her for a week and then dumps her sorry ass.

-The Girl goes back to school very upset and annoyed. She starts picking on the Kid for no reason, humiliating him in front of all the students. The Kid begins to hate school and life in general.

-The Guy uploads some 3gp sex clips online, to the Girl’s horror.

-The Girl hits the Kid one day in class, and is suspended with non-pay leave.

-The Kid finds out some time later that he is diagnosed with AIDS.


NEXT WEEK!!! LAMEST CHINESE MOVIE TITLE EVER!

You Are Retarded If You Listen To This…

Classic Songs Remixed Into Techno.


Because that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh, everyone loved Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, so now lets remix it with a 1000dB pounding bass drum-line, synth special effects and someone shouting ‘who let the dogs out?’ every 5 seconds.

Ok, I don’t really mind these ‘techno-tards’(copyright) blasting their mind-numbing trance garbage all day long – it’s only a matter of time until they OD on their Ecstasy pills anyway. But why remix Bryan Adams? And Lionel fucking Richie? I don’t get it.

The car hi-fi system nuts are usually the major offenders. These are the type of people whose cars sound like they have throbbing erections amplified, because of the bullshit being played inside. Also, on another note, these people are also the sort who fix up their cars so that the engine still runs for a couple of minutes, even after they’ve turned off the ignition and walked out, looking incredibly smug, as if to say “Yeap, that’s right. The engine is still running, but it’s ok – that’s how I set it.” Fuck you.

Only if you have ZERO musical taste, would you listen to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ and think ‘Hmmm. Since I’m a bloody musical genius, with my Fruityloops and laptop, let’s see how else I can bastardize someone else’s work.’

Ok, fine. You want to add your retarded trance drums to otherwise slow songs. However musically sacrilegious that is, I understand your point, just like I understand genocide and child abuse. But why the hell is there some Euro-trash guy, who I imagine is topless and sweaty, shouting something random after every sentence in the song?

Celine Dion: Every night… in my dreams..

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: EVERYBODY DANCE! EVERYBODY MOVE! IBIZA! IBIZA!

Celine Dion: I see you.. I feel you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: I AM THE SOUL OF THE EAGLE! FLYING OVER IBIZA! RHYTHM!

Celine Dion: That is how I know you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: RHYTHM OVER IBIZA! EVERYBODY DANCING NOW!

Celine Dion (suddenly repeating the same phrase again and again like a fucking spastic): Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! GoGoGoGoGoGoGoGo OnOnOnOnOnOn!

Ibiza always sounded like a cool place, but now I hate it from the bottom of my heart. And the best part is how the DJs look – despite the huge sound, they’re all just a bunch of skinny, balding white guys wearing black rimmed spectacles.

On a final note, don’t think only white Euro trash and Chinese fengtao kids pull off this shit – I’m sad to say Punjabis are also to blame. Stop remixing every popular song with bhangra. It doesn’t work and never did. I don’t wanna hear Snoop Dogg being given the bhangra treatment. You guys have a great culture, and your women are hot (when young), but let’s all face the ugly truth – bhangra is one of the worst forms of music every conceived, and the dance is even worse.


So, stop listening to classic songs remixed into techno… because that means you’re totally gay. And retarded.