I Hate Radio Ads

The main reason I don’t tune into Malaysian radio stations anymore is because of the ads. Oh so hang me if I’m not a Hitz fm whore. So I’m not cool la. I hate pop music and I don’t know any of these hip, new DJs, and I’m not sure I want to either. Not to shit on any of you ‘disc jockeys’ out there, but seriously some of you with your fake accents make me want to overdose on sleeping pills.

This is the problem I have with these fucked up radio ads. They try to be too ‘over- Malaysian’. I don’t think anyone in real life even talks like that any more. It’s like they opened up a Pendidikan Moral textbook and brought out every racial stereotype in there to work in the voiceover business. You follow me? I’ll show you.

Ah Chong: Horrr!! I so happy! Me so happy liao!
Ali: Eh, Ah Chong. Why you so gembira, brader?
Ah Chong: You don’t know, meh? Cibai (Ok maybe they won’t say that la). Jaya Jusco got speshur sale on tampons this week, man. Velly good deal, horr.
Ali: Eh, bagusnya. I can take my Siti and then later she won’t komplen to me “Abang, I got bad flow this month, so tonight cannot hantam from belakang ok, Abang.”
Ah Chong: Yah, yah. Eh Muthu, remember to bring your J Card also. Don’t drink so much toddy and forget.

(This is the part I hate the most – when they bring the Indian bugger in)

Muthu: Aiyoyo! Roti canai, roti canai, Rajinikanth, Sentul, Klang, roti canai. Aiyoyo!
Ali and Ah Chong: Ha ha ha. Drunk wife beating fuck.

Which also brings to mind something Hitz fm or Fly fm or one of those stations did some time ago. For some reason everyone thought this was freaking hilarious except me. It’s that stupid Pussycats Doll song which they remixed into a clichéd ‘Malaysian flavour’.

Oh, oh, throw in the words ‘macha’ and ‘mamak’ and whatnot and suddenly it’s the funniest thing ever since my overweight alcoholic aunt fell down the stairs. Shit, you know what I’m talking about. Every idiot out there kept asking me again and again if I’d heard it yet, and even if I said yes, they’d sing it to me. “Dohhhhh, doncha wish your girlfriend ate nasilemak like me. Dohhhh.” I think I died a little each time. I’ve heard labour pain screams that were funnier. I’ve seen skidmarks inside a public toilet bowl that were more original.

“Aiya, Rajjiv, its kinda funny la what.” No, it’s not. It’s horse shit. It’s the same type of desperate humour attempted at every school/college play, where they try to win laughs by HAHAHAHAHA dressing up a guy like a girl and HAHAHAHAHA making him talk like a Chinese vegetable seller from Jinjang. I hope the smart ones among you have started to sense a sick sort of pattern going on here.

God, I am so full of hate.

Stuck Up Malay Expat – Hey didn’t your Hitz fm steal our Rick Dee’s Weekly Top 40 show? Yeah. That’s our show. Not yours.

Retarded Indian Nazi – Ha, ha ha, the Indian guy said Rajinikanth. I can relate to that, because being an Indian, I know who that is and therefore find the reference humorous. I am also the main reason ads like these still run. Lol, did he say roti canai?

Faggy Christian Youth Chinese Guy – LOL, once during our play, we dressed up Cynthia Goh like a guy, and she acted as Michelle’s boyfriend and it was so funny. But later the pastor told us homosexuality is a sin, so…..yeah. Wasn’t so funny after that.

What They Forgot To Mention

“Hey, I’m a Subang chick all the way………but I’m actually from Teluk Intan.”

“Ask anyone, all the bouncers in Hartamas know me……….by know, I mean waved at once or twice.”

“Back in Ipoh, my friends and I were major car racers………with all five of us squeezed into my mother’s six year old second hand Kancil.”

“Please, the new BMW’s steering is damn lousy la…….I should know since I ride a bicycle to work.”

“When me and my friends drink, each fella will down two bottles la………and I still wonder why they’re all dead.”

“I’m the biggest supporter of Spain’s football team………but I still don’t know what language they speak in Spain.”