I Hate Nicknames

"Rajjiv is not a very likeable person." - Editor's note.


Recently at work, I had to email a colleague who asked everyone to call her ‘Nini’. Yes, I know what you’re thinking – I wanted to shoot her in the chest as well.

Now, I had to look up her name in our database to find her email address. I assumed that her real name had a ‘ni’ somewhere in it – thus the unspeakable nickname ‘Nini’. I assumed wrong – because I am unable to think like a complete moron.

Her name turned out to be Nurul Aishah.

WHY THE HELL IS SHE CALLED NINI?

I sent her the email. And signed it ‘Please kill yourself. Yours, Rajjiv.’

I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I hate nicknames. Never tell me to call you something other than your real name, because I will punch you in the neck.

All three major races in Malaysia have offended me here. Let me show you how.


Indians – Telling everyone your ‘home name’ but not your real name.

Why do you need a ‘home name’? I’ll never understand this. It’s the gayest shit ever.

This is a true story. Someone tried to add me in MSN but I rejected it. Later, I met this dumb bitch who was apparently called Devi.

Devi: Rajjiv! Why did you reject me in MSN?

Me: Huh? I don’t recall you ever adding me.

Devi: I did. And you rejected me.

Me: The only person I rejected was someone named Maheswari.

Devi: That’s me.

Me: I thought your name was Devi.

Devi: That’s my home name.

Me: You will die alone.

Someone explained to me that Indians have home names because they’re sometimes named after their older relatives – therefore it wouldn’t be prudent to call him/her by name, out of respect for said relative. My solution: DON’T BLOODY NAME YOURSELVES AFTER YOUR STUPID RELATIVES.


Malays – Everyone has a stupid, pointless nickname that has nothing to do with their real name.

Everyone knows this and hates it. Till this day I’m not sure what my Malay friends’ names are. And worst of all, the nicknames are borderline retarded. Do you really want to be called Ajoi? And Bob. How the hell did a Malay guy end up being called Bob?

An old acquaintance of mine was called Hanim, but her nickname was ANIM. Dumbass.

And while we’re on the subject, why are all Malay restaurants named D’something? There’s even a D’Tomyam out there somewhere. French tomyam! This is an epidemic that the Malay community really needs to look into.


Chinese – Giving yourself some silly ‘English’ name.

Oh god, some of the names I’ve come across. Why can’t y’all stick with your original Chinese names? I will never get this.

When I was in Systematic College, the guy sitting next to me told me his name was Kelly Tan. And the following week, he told me his name was Oliver Tan. Needless to say, I changed my seat.

There was also a girl named Lucky Ho. I am not making this up.

My mother’s school actually had two Chinese kids named Arthur and Guinevere. Both had no idea how to spell their names but would answer to nothing else. Royal idiots. Someone should stab them with the Excalibur.

During Form 5, one of the most feared Chinese gangsters in my school decided he needed an English name. He chose Marty. How intimidating.

Moral of the story – if you’re named Tan Ah Seng, stick with it. You really don’t look like an Oscar or Clarence or Fernando.


So, what nicknames are acceptable?

I mentioned earlier that I hate nicknames. However, I love them when they’re done in mean spirit, or when they’re hurtful. I am a very hateful person and this is how I express myself. I also hit children when nobody’s looking.

Here are some acceptable nicknames:

Fatty

Fatass

Fat Fuck

Fat Piece of Shit that Nobody Likes

Bangla/Indon

Your father has two wives (not really a nickname, but suitable to call someone who is in said situation)