Malaysian Superstitions You Must NEVER Mention to ME

‘The toyol inside the Gentings Casino’

Sometimes when I make fun of this to friends, some people actually laugh and then say ‘Eh but seriously I heard they got something inside there la.’ Sigh. Let’s not even touch this. I’ve even contemplated murder.

‘Security guards who say that whatever place they’re working in is haunted’

Every damn guard has the same damn story. Every bloody warehouse, library, apartment complex, mall, etc, seems to be haunted. EVERY place is haunted! Yes, dear readers, it has to come to that level of retardation. And summore, it’s always haunted by the most ridiculous ghosts – hantu tetek, hantu bungkus, blah blah. Jesus, I mean at least it wouldn’t be so bad if the place was haunted by something decent la what. Come to think of it, how sad a ghost you must be if you’re actually called a hantu tetek.

‘Wash your feet before you enter the house in case something follows you inside’

I don’t mean to shit on an Indian belief, but actually I do. I have a better idea to stop something from following you inside – lock the fucking door.

‘Ask permission from the spirits first before pissing in public’

Listen, my tax money built the park, and I have every right to even take a shit on a bush. In fact, each time I take a drunken piss in Taman Botanic, I whisper ‘How do you like this, you undead fucks? Am I peeing on your grave? Salty enough for you? I’ll be back in fifteen minutes for seconds, drink up.’

‘The reason he’s so attracted to her is because she put a charm on him’

No, it’s because she has what is known as a vagina.

‘Sometimes when I sleep, I feel something sitting on me’

Mention ghost stories, and there’s bound to be a retard who brings this up. Why the fuck would a ghost sit on you? Not for one second did you consider that it might have been your uncle who came to your room that night and touched you, but you didn’t want to say anything because he’s paying your way through college and your parents wouldn’t believe you anyway, so you’d rather live in denial all your life whilst bottling up your frustrations deep inside, only to break down and realize years later that you can’t stop touching your kids, right before you shoot yourself in the mouth.