Mat Salleh’s Guide to Malaysia

My dear Mat Salleh tourist. You made a wonderful choice to visit our beautiful nation. Please tell your girlfriend to not go braless in Jalan Masjid India.

I am under the assumption that you must have procured some sort of guide to the country through the medium of a fashionable, chic, in-flight magazine splattered with images of Eurasian models. This guide, which I, forgive me, once again assume might bear a title similar to “KL’s Secrets – the Best Places for Malaysian Food” or “The Cultural Experience in KL”, presumably penned by a local who spent half his life overseas.

It’s all bullshit, don’t believe a word of it, and so forth. I will provide you with the PROPER guide to Malaysia, don’t you know, and give you the true cultural experience.

Food.

I suppose the main thing you’d want to check out in the country is the food. Now, those ridiculous guides in those fancy magazines won’t tell you shit about where to eat. They’re ripping you off. They’d tell you something like ‘…best laksa I’ve ever tasted was in Pak Su’s Bistro (which has a wonderful traditional Malay ambience!) at Bukit Bintang, which only cost me RM25.’

Absolute tripe, of course. I don’t know why these articles are almost always written by some prude who ‘prefers TGI Friday’s grilled cheeseburger to Ramly Burger Spesial’. They’ll always recommend you to some fancy Bali-beach restaurant with a pathetically Malaysian name, which serves ‘authentic Malaysian flavours’, all catered to milk the cash out of you, my dear Mat Salleh. How do I know this? Simply because no proper Malaysian restaurant needs to describe nasi lemak as ‘fragrant coconut rice served with anchovies, nuts and spicy chilli paste’. Spicy chilli paste! Oh and it’ll cost you too.

Every self respecting Malaysian knows that the best places to eat are the ones preferably without a name, and with the worst hygiene. For example, if you want the best laksa, you should go to ‘the Chinese shop next to Aaron Video Centre and Karuppiah Shop’ in Klang.

You might have also read about mamaks. And you might have also been suggested to try out the bullshit corporate ‘mamaks’ in Subang or PJ, where they dare to even have a (shudder!) menu. The best mamaks have to always comply with the three no’s: no roof, no uniform and no name. And god help you if a mamak serves western food. Or ice blended drinks.

And I don’t know why none of these crap guides rarely, if never, mention pasar malams. Oh wait, I do know – because the writers don’t know shit about them. Oh, I’m sure they don’t have pasar malams ‘back in the States’, do they? Pissing me off…

Shopping

It’s always Suria KLCC, isn’t it? Everything has to be only in Suria KLCC. Oh, best choices in authentic Malay sarongs – Ripoff Boutique, located in Suria KLCC. What the hell happened to Sogo or Campbell Plaza or Sungei Wang? Oh don’t call me cheap – you know you can find some of the best shit there. Pirated CDs, metal t-shirts, fake handphone covers. Nothing says ‘let’s go shopping, sweetheart’ like a day in Campbell Plaza.

I’m from Klang, so I’d recommend you to shop right in the heart of darkness – Shaw Centrepoint located in the middle of Klang town. Shaw Centrepoint is not only Malaysian shopping in a nutshell, it’s also a quaint cultural experience with all manner of transvestites, junkies, skinheads, bohsias and illegal immigrants. Just smell the marijuana in the air.

Culture

Oh, oh, I want to experience authentic Malaysian culture so I have to go to some interpretive dance show held in Bangsar which ‘protrays the identity of the modern Malaysian’, choreographed by a skinny balding white guy named Shankar who smells of camphor and buys clothes only in East India Company.

Malaysian culture can only be experienced by, well, experiencing it. Your ass going to Muzium Negara doesn’t make you an expert in Malaysian culture. You wanna see ‘History of the Malaccan Sultanate’ for what? Your ignorant ass thought Malaysia had no TV.

I’d suggest that any Mat Salleh who wants a true experience, contact me. I’ll pick you up, take you to the Brickfields illegal liquor store, stack up some shit and then I’ll show you your damn culture.

First we’d down a few drinks in the car itself la. And then, take a drive to the local bapok hangout. Now that’s an exhibition for your cultured ass. I’ll introduce you to Disco Rani – she has skin as smooth as her shaved nuts.

And then we’ll head to the padang and that’s our port. After getting shitfaced, we’re off to the local mamak for nasi lemak ayam (fragrant coconut rice and all that sort of thing, but with chicken). I bet no magazine guide told you about all this.

Do’s and Don’ts

Like the magazine guides, I too must have a segment where the Mat Salleh, in a humorous fashion, gets to know what to do and not to do in Malaysia.

I’m sure you’ve already read the usual boring garbage like ‘always make sure your taxi driver has the meter on’, etc. So here’s a few pointers you won’t find anywhere else.

STOP WEARING SUCH SHORT SHORTS. I’m sure you don’t do this in your own country. Why are you dressed like George Michael in that video? This isn’t 1985 anymore. I know it’s supposed to be a hot country but if you’re a woman and have thighs like a rugby player, or a man whose pubic hair seems to trail down to his thighs, please stop grossing us out.

NEVER ATTEMPT TO EAT WITH YOUR HANDS. Just….don’t. Just don’t la. You will never be able to do it. Eat that roti canai with a knife and fork if you have to.

BE AWARE THAT YOU CAN EASILY PICK UP LOCAL CHICKS. Go to any club, wait for a bit, and you’ll get some. Also be aware that they might be the older type chicks like at Waikiki or Old School, but still ok what. I can’t be sure, but last time, the Indian chicks in Bangsar used to go for white fuckers, but I’ve been away for too long, so don’t keep your hopes too high.

WIN OVER LOCALS BY SPEAKING THE LOCAL TONGUE. Just learn to say ‘terima kasih’ or something, and some people will act as if you’re bloody Moses saying the ten commandments. A little patronizing goes a long way.

So, my Mat Salleh friend, I hope you have profited significantly more from my humble teachings rather than some snooty magazine guide. Also be aware that if you’re white, no matter of the world you’re from, you will only be known as ‘European’ in Malaysia. If you’re black (and now that I think of it, I should have mentioned this much earlier), you will be ignored by all Malaysians and even feared.

Cheers.

Stuck Up Malay Expat – You made me think of nasi lemak and rendang and all the best Raya food, man. HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME REMEMBER I’M MALAYSIAN?! Ps – best koay teow is in Hard Rock Café.

Retarded Indian Fanatic – I know why you never mention Batu Caves. Because you think you Australia now, you very high class. Hello… don’t forget you are also Indian. Yah, yah, he can write about people who go overseas and act like white people but he himself… Careful, bro. I also got degree ok. I also can talk.

Faggy Christian Youth Chinese Guy – Hey don’t forget the Orang Asli Settlements. Once our church went there for a charity trip. We gave them clothes and water and canned foods and also told them that if they keep worshipping their pagan animistic gods and do not embrace the good lord Jesus Christ, they’re going to burn in hell. Now I have Orang Asli friends named Matthew, Jonah and Mary.