I’m exposing a weakness here. If any of those songs are played within earshot, I immediately collapse on the floor, writhing in a pool of my own vomit. These are the WORST songs I have ever heard in my life.
This is not a joke. I’d rather make friends with the petrol station Bangla than listen to these songs.
5. Uncle Kracker – Follow Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQls53Piuj0
His name is enough for me to hate him. Uncle fucking Kracker. But it’s cool because it’s spelt with a ‘K’. You know what haunts my nightmares? Him playing this song to a bunch of idiots around a campfire, and everyone is clapping to the beat. Fucking nightmares leave me, please!
Worst moment: The finger snapping at the beginning. Excruciating.
4. Ricky Martin – Cup of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJaEVmbzXSA
First of all, this is one of the dumbest song titles I’ve ever heard. It’s a sports trophy - get over it. Cup of LIFE, for fuck’s sake! Talk about overdoing it. And secondly, this is the gayest thing to happen to football since David Beckham’s mohawk.
I hate anything from Ricky Martin, period. When everyone else was chanting “Goal, goal goal!” like a bunch of little homos, I was crying myself to sleep. It’s football, you don’t need to bloody sing about it.
Worst moment: The ‘waving cheer’ during the chorus.
3. Who Let The Dogs Out – Baha Men
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He82NBjJqf8
"Well, the party was nice, the party was pumpin'
Yippie yi yo
And everybody havin' a ball
Yippie yi yo"
Enough said. Let's move on.
Worst moment: The name of the band. Baha Men, for fuck's sake!
2. I'm A Big Big Girl - Emilia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIT_836Hqc0
I'm convinced this song was written in two minutes by an epileptic monkey. "I'm a big big girl, in a big big world." Brilliant. Call Shakespeare and tell him he's no longer considered a literary legend.
If you like this song, I sincerely pray you get leprosy someday (leprosy is Rajjiv's new favourite disease - Editor).
Worst moment: Everything, as far as I'm concerned.
1. I Feel Good - James Brown
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzlpTRNIAvc
I am convinced this is the WORST song ever written. There is not a single thing right about this fucked up song.
I always hated how TV channels used to play this song over 'funny' montages of their shows. Hey everyone, let's play this song and string together clips of Chandler dancing, Raymond shaking his ass and Buffy winking like a fucking spastic, so that it looks like they're all dancing to this song. I FEEL GOOD! FUCKING RIDICULOUS! Who pays these people?
James Brown is thankfully dead and can never perform again. All his songs suck and this one takes the cake.
Worst moment: IT ANGERS ME THAT AFTER LISTENING TO THIS SONG, I DO NOT FEEL GOOD!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I Hate Nicknames
"Rajjiv is not a very likeable person." - Editor's note.
Recently at work, I had to email a colleague who asked everyone to call her ‘Nini’. Yes, I know what you’re thinking – I wanted to shoot her in the chest as well.
Now, I had to look up her name in our database to find her email address. I assumed that her real name had a ‘ni’ somewhere in it – thus the unspeakable nickname ‘Nini’. I assumed wrong – because I am unable to think like a complete moron.
Her name turned out to be Nurul Aishah.
WHY THE HELL IS SHE CALLED NINI?
I sent her the email. And signed it ‘Please kill yourself. Yours, Rajjiv.’
I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I hate nicknames. Never tell me to call you something other than your real name, because I will punch you in the neck.
All three major races in Malaysia have offended me here. Let me show you how.
Indians – Telling everyone your ‘home name’ but not your real name.
Why do you need a ‘home name’? I’ll never understand this. It’s the gayest shit ever.
This is a true story. Someone tried to add me in MSN but I rejected it. Later, I met this dumb bitch who was apparently called Devi.
Devi: Rajjiv! Why did you reject me in MSN?
Me: Huh? I don’t recall you ever adding me.
Devi: I did. And you rejected me.
Me: The only person I rejected was someone named Maheswari.
Devi: That’s me.
Me: I thought your name was Devi.
Devi: That’s my home name.
Me: You will die alone.
Someone explained to me that Indians have home names because they’re sometimes named after their older relatives – therefore it wouldn’t be prudent to call him/her by name, out of respect for said relative. My solution: DON’T BLOODY NAME YOURSELVES AFTER YOUR STUPID RELATIVES.
Malays – Everyone has a stupid, pointless nickname that has nothing to do with their real name.
Everyone knows this and hates it. Till this day I’m not sure what my Malay friends’ names are. And worst of all, the nicknames are borderline retarded. Do you really want to be called Ajoi? And Bob. How the hell did a Malay guy end up being called Bob?
An old acquaintance of mine was called Hanim, but her nickname was ANIM. Dumbass.
And while we’re on the subject, why are all Malay restaurants named D’something? There’s even a D’Tomyam out there somewhere. French tomyam! This is an epidemic that the Malay community really needs to look into.
Chinese – Giving yourself some silly ‘English’ name.
Oh god, some of the names I’ve come across. Why can’t y’all stick with your original Chinese names? I will never get this.
When I was in Systematic College, the guy sitting next to me told me his name was Kelly Tan. And the following week, he told me his name was Oliver Tan. Needless to say, I changed my seat.
There was also a girl named Lucky Ho. I am not making this up.
My mother’s school actually had two Chinese kids named Arthur and Guinevere. Both had no idea how to spell their names but would answer to nothing else. Royal idiots. Someone should stab them with the Excalibur.
During Form 5, one of the most feared Chinese gangsters in my school decided he needed an English name. He chose Marty. How intimidating.
Moral of the story – if you’re named Tan Ah Seng, stick with it. You really don’t look like an Oscar or Clarence or Fernando.
So, what nicknames are acceptable?
I mentioned earlier that I hate nicknames. However, I love them when they’re done in mean spirit, or when they’re hurtful. I am a very hateful person and this is how I express myself. I also hit children when nobody’s looking.
Here are some acceptable nicknames:
Fatty
Fatass
Fat Fuck
Fat Piece of Shit that Nobody Likes
Bangla/Indon
Your father has two wives (not really a nickname, but suitable to call someone who is in said situation)
Recently at work, I had to email a colleague who asked everyone to call her ‘Nini’. Yes, I know what you’re thinking – I wanted to shoot her in the chest as well.
Now, I had to look up her name in our database to find her email address. I assumed that her real name had a ‘ni’ somewhere in it – thus the unspeakable nickname ‘Nini’. I assumed wrong – because I am unable to think like a complete moron.
Her name turned out to be Nurul Aishah.
WHY THE HELL IS SHE CALLED NINI?
I sent her the email. And signed it ‘Please kill yourself. Yours, Rajjiv.’
I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I hate nicknames. Never tell me to call you something other than your real name, because I will punch you in the neck.
All three major races in Malaysia have offended me here. Let me show you how.
Indians – Telling everyone your ‘home name’ but not your real name.
Why do you need a ‘home name’? I’ll never understand this. It’s the gayest shit ever.
This is a true story. Someone tried to add me in MSN but I rejected it. Later, I met this dumb bitch who was apparently called Devi.
Devi: Rajjiv! Why did you reject me in MSN?
Me: Huh? I don’t recall you ever adding me.
Devi: I did. And you rejected me.
Me: The only person I rejected was someone named Maheswari.
Devi: That’s me.
Me: I thought your name was Devi.
Devi: That’s my home name.
Me: You will die alone.
Someone explained to me that Indians have home names because they’re sometimes named after their older relatives – therefore it wouldn’t be prudent to call him/her by name, out of respect for said relative. My solution: DON’T BLOODY NAME YOURSELVES AFTER YOUR STUPID RELATIVES.
Malays – Everyone has a stupid, pointless nickname that has nothing to do with their real name.
Everyone knows this and hates it. Till this day I’m not sure what my Malay friends’ names are. And worst of all, the nicknames are borderline retarded. Do you really want to be called Ajoi? And Bob. How the hell did a Malay guy end up being called Bob?
An old acquaintance of mine was called Hanim, but her nickname was ANIM. Dumbass.
And while we’re on the subject, why are all Malay restaurants named D’something? There’s even a D’Tomyam out there somewhere. French tomyam! This is an epidemic that the Malay community really needs to look into.
Chinese – Giving yourself some silly ‘English’ name.
Oh god, some of the names I’ve come across. Why can’t y’all stick with your original Chinese names? I will never get this.
When I was in Systematic College, the guy sitting next to me told me his name was Kelly Tan. And the following week, he told me his name was Oliver Tan. Needless to say, I changed my seat.
There was also a girl named Lucky Ho. I am not making this up.
My mother’s school actually had two Chinese kids named Arthur and Guinevere. Both had no idea how to spell their names but would answer to nothing else. Royal idiots. Someone should stab them with the Excalibur.
During Form 5, one of the most feared Chinese gangsters in my school decided he needed an English name. He chose Marty. How intimidating.
Moral of the story – if you’re named Tan Ah Seng, stick with it. You really don’t look like an Oscar or Clarence or Fernando.
So, what nicknames are acceptable?
I mentioned earlier that I hate nicknames. However, I love them when they’re done in mean spirit, or when they’re hurtful. I am a very hateful person and this is how I express myself. I also hit children when nobody’s looking.
Here are some acceptable nicknames:
Fatty
Fatass
Fat Fuck
Fat Piece of Shit that Nobody Likes
Bangla/Indon
Your father has two wives (not really a nickname, but suitable to call someone who is in said situation)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Karma Is Very Real
I have spent a great part of my life ridiculing and belittling people from all walks of life – the handicapped, Japanese people, AIDS patients, Hare Rama devotees, and other idiots.
Today, I realized that I am slowly being punished for my evil ways.
I received a message in Facebook, of which I was one of the many recipients. Check it out yourself.
Yes, that’s right. Apparently I am an Indian girl who used to go SMK St. Mary. Jesus fucking Christ.
WHY DO THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME?
Look at that picture again. Everything about it is wrong. The message, the names of the girls. Dear Lord, help me.
Yes, yes, I can’t wait for our little reunion. I can see it already. A bunch of lumpy, stereotypically Tamil Indian girls dressed in big collared t-shirts and ¾ tights waddling about in some waterfall in Sungai Petani. I can already smell the sickeningly sweet stench of cheap hair oil.
To the genius who decided to include me in this abomination of a message, and to the person who gladly replied “Around August!” with such repulsive enthusiasm - A plague o' both your houses!
Today, I realized that I am slowly being punished for my evil ways.
I received a message in Facebook, of which I was one of the many recipients. Check it out yourself.
Yes, that’s right. Apparently I am an Indian girl who used to go SMK St. Mary. Jesus fucking Christ.
WHY DO THESE THINGS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME?
Look at that picture again. Everything about it is wrong. The message, the names of the girls. Dear Lord, help me.
Yes, yes, I can’t wait for our little reunion. I can see it already. A bunch of lumpy, stereotypically Tamil Indian girls dressed in big collared t-shirts and ¾ tights waddling about in some waterfall in Sungai Petani. I can already smell the sickeningly sweet stench of cheap hair oil.
To the genius who decided to include me in this abomination of a message, and to the person who gladly replied “Around August!” with such repulsive enthusiasm - A plague o' both your houses!
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