The Gayest Movie Poster I’ve Ever Seen

I always thought that the gayest movie poster ever would either be a Tamil one or an Asian horror film/shitfest. But when I went to watch Star Trek (which was fucking brilliant by the way), I saw this:






Just take a moment to absorb the image. And then slit your throat open with a rusty knife licked by an AIDS patient, because that’s better than living with this absolute atrocity in your mind for even two seconds.

Oh and one more thing.

THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS SYURGA CINTA. THEY NAMED THE MOVIE SYURGA FUCKING CINTA.

Who’s the guy who came up with this bullshit? Who was the one in the production meeting who got up and said “I know! Let’s call this abortion of a movie ‘Syurga Cinta’. Who was that guy and why isn’t he horribly tortured to death yet?

Just look at the poster. Everything about it is just WRONG. The girl has this “I’m a dumb bitch” confused expression on her face like every worker in MPH who goes “Hah??” if you ask for a book that isn’t Harry Potter. The guy looks like your girlfriend’s male friend who follows her shopping when you’re not around and gives his unwanted opinions on your relationship. I already know he’s the type who doesn’t wear sunglasses, but yet has a pair perpetually perched on his head all the time. And the kid-


Ok, the kid is something else.

Take a look at the kid’s face. It’s that whole inane cutesiness that gets to me. His expression! He’s an annoying little bastard, isn’t he? He’s like a little midget who creeps into your room at night to kill you. Little midget bastard wearing a scouts uniform… oh god, who the fuck is designing all this?? Who is doing this shit??

I’ll tell y’all one thing la. This poster is so awful and clichéd, that it can already tell me the entire plot.

I will now write down the entire plot of this movie without knowing a single thing beforehand, and I guarantee you a 99% accuracy rate, or your money back.



The Plot of Syurga Cinta

-The Girl is the Kid’s teacher.

-The Guy is the Kid’s older brother/relative/neighbour.

-The Girl is looking for Mr Right. The Guy is always dating the wrong girl.

-The Kid decides to pair them up through many hilarious (gay) and cute (gay) ways, such as pretending to be sick in school so that the Guy has to come over and run into the Girl, or by sending text messages to both parties claiming to be the other.

-The Kid also has to make sure the rival love interest does not interfere in the relationship, e.g. stopping a slutty chick from going out with the Guy to a club, or putting laxatives into a suave male teacher’s coffee so he can’t ask out the Girl.

-There must be a breaking point where the Kid is forced to admit what he did, and the couple will be pissed off with the little bastard, but not for long because they realise that his little midget heart was in the right place.

-The Guy and the Girl soon realise they really love each other and the movie ends with a wedding, where the Kid sings/dances to a closing song number while we all try to wake up from a pool of our own vomit.



But just to make things interesting, if I had my say, this is how the movie would go:

-The Kid tells the Guy about his hot teacher. The Guy decides to seduce her.

-The Guy and the Girl go out for a while. He screws the shit out of her for a week and then dumps her sorry ass.

-The Girl goes back to school very upset and annoyed. She starts picking on the Kid for no reason, humiliating him in front of all the students. The Kid begins to hate school and life in general.

-The Guy uploads some 3gp sex clips online, to the Girl’s horror.

-The Girl hits the Kid one day in class, and is suspended with non-pay leave.

-The Kid finds out some time later that he is diagnosed with AIDS.


NEXT WEEK!!! LAMEST CHINESE MOVIE TITLE EVER!