You Are Retarded If You Listen To This…

Classic Songs Remixed Into Techno.


Because that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh, everyone loved Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, so now lets remix it with a 1000dB pounding bass drum-line, synth special effects and someone shouting ‘who let the dogs out?’ every 5 seconds.

Ok, I don’t really mind these ‘techno-tards’(copyright) blasting their mind-numbing trance garbage all day long – it’s only a matter of time until they OD on their Ecstasy pills anyway. But why remix Bryan Adams? And Lionel fucking Richie? I don’t get it.

The car hi-fi system nuts are usually the major offenders. These are the type of people whose cars sound like they have throbbing erections amplified, because of the bullshit being played inside. Also, on another note, these people are also the sort who fix up their cars so that the engine still runs for a couple of minutes, even after they’ve turned off the ignition and walked out, looking incredibly smug, as if to say “Yeap, that’s right. The engine is still running, but it’s ok – that’s how I set it.” Fuck you.

Only if you have ZERO musical taste, would you listen to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ and think ‘Hmmm. Since I’m a bloody musical genius, with my Fruityloops and laptop, let’s see how else I can bastardize someone else’s work.’

Ok, fine. You want to add your retarded trance drums to otherwise slow songs. However musically sacrilegious that is, I understand your point, just like I understand genocide and child abuse. But why the hell is there some Euro-trash guy, who I imagine is topless and sweaty, shouting something random after every sentence in the song?

Celine Dion: Every night… in my dreams..

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: EVERYBODY DANCE! EVERYBODY MOVE! IBIZA! IBIZA!

Celine Dion: I see you.. I feel you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: I AM THE SOUL OF THE EAGLE! FLYING OVER IBIZA! RHYTHM!

Celine Dion: That is how I know you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: RHYTHM OVER IBIZA! EVERYBODY DANCING NOW!

Celine Dion (suddenly repeating the same phrase again and again like a fucking spastic): Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! GoGoGoGoGoGoGoGo OnOnOnOnOnOn!

Ibiza always sounded like a cool place, but now I hate it from the bottom of my heart. And the best part is how the DJs look – despite the huge sound, they’re all just a bunch of skinny, balding white guys wearing black rimmed spectacles.

On a final note, don’t think only white Euro trash and Chinese fengtao kids pull off this shit – I’m sad to say Punjabis are also to blame. Stop remixing every popular song with bhangra. It doesn’t work and never did. I don’t wanna hear Snoop Dogg being given the bhangra treatment. You guys have a great culture, and your women are hot (when young), but let’s all face the ugly truth – bhangra is one of the worst forms of music every conceived, and the dance is even worse.


So, stop listening to classic songs remixed into techno… because that means you’re totally gay. And retarded.