Directions Guy Must Die!!

Today’s fucktard of the week is Directions Guy – the guy who can’t stop talking about directions to anywhere in the world.

Everyone knows someone like this. He’s the guy who knows the roads like I know Japanese porn – and trust me, I know my Japanese porn. I am now at a point of my life where I am perfectly comfortable watching a giggling Japanese girl piss on a guy wearing a bear costume. The giggling is the part I don’t get. Guy shits on her face and she’s still giggling like a schoolgirl. Just… giggling! Can’t stop giggling!

Ok, moving on. Instead of being helpful, Directions Guy pisses people off. You see, this guy also falls under the category of ‘People Who Have Nothing Interesting To Talk About But Yet Must Never Stop Talking’. Honourable mentions in this category also include ‘Guy Who Can’t Stop Talking About Handphones’ and ‘Guy Who Loves Telling You The Entire Plot of A Movie You Already Saw’.

Here are some examples of how a conversation with Directions Guy might go.

Me: Ok, I’m going back now.

Directions Guy: Where do you live?

Me: PJ.

Directions Guy: Oh, oh, which way you take? The Federal exit after the Sunway toll? Or the NKV exit before Subang?

Me: Errr.. the Federal one.

Directions Guy: Oooh, ok ok. That one if you go further, you’ll see a Sperm Bank. And then on the left you’ll see a wheelchair dealership right.

Me: Is that a question or…

Directions Guy (now has a throbbing erection): I know, I know where you’re going. If you go straight means, you’ll come to Jalan Nutsack. On the right is a Ballsack Restaurant I think.

Me: I really don’t…

Directions Guy: The NKV exit is better ‘cos less jam. That one you go straight and turn right means you’ll reach Brickfields. And on your left is the police station…

Me: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I ADMIT IT!! I like little boys, ok?? There, I said it!


Even worse, is when two Directions Guy meet each other. God help you if you’re in the middle of that conversation. But sometimes the odds can play to your favour too – Directions Guys are very haughty about their ‘knowledge’ and get extremely indignant when another Directions Guy contradicts them.

Me: How do I get to Midvalley from here?

Directions Guy #1: Oh, easy. I’ll give you the quickest way. You take the first exit after the PJ toll and then you head down past the ballroom…

Directions Guy #2: (suddenly joining conversation) No, that’s not it.

Directions Guy #1(indignant): What do you mean that’s not it?

Directions Guy #2: Fastest way is AFTER the PJ toll past the cable car rides, past the dance academy and then turn right.

Directions Guy #1: You crazy?? That one leads to the something or another la, past the whatsitcalled! And on your left you can see the carnival.

Directions Guy #2: Bastard! That road leads straight to the whorehouse past the woodcutter’s hut near the ass bank!

Directions Guy #1: I’ll kill you!



If you’re a Directions Guy, please only share your amazing knowledge of roads and highways when you’re asked to. You can still be saved.