The Gayest Movie Poster I’ve Ever Seen

I always thought that the gayest movie poster ever would either be a Tamil one or an Asian horror film/shitfest. But when I went to watch Star Trek (which was fucking brilliant by the way), I saw this:






Just take a moment to absorb the image. And then slit your throat open with a rusty knife licked by an AIDS patient, because that’s better than living with this absolute atrocity in your mind for even two seconds.

Oh and one more thing.

THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS SYURGA CINTA. THEY NAMED THE MOVIE SYURGA FUCKING CINTA.

Who’s the guy who came up with this bullshit? Who was the one in the production meeting who got up and said “I know! Let’s call this abortion of a movie ‘Syurga Cinta’. Who was that guy and why isn’t he horribly tortured to death yet?

Just look at the poster. Everything about it is just WRONG. The girl has this “I’m a dumb bitch” confused expression on her face like every worker in MPH who goes “Hah??” if you ask for a book that isn’t Harry Potter. The guy looks like your girlfriend’s male friend who follows her shopping when you’re not around and gives his unwanted opinions on your relationship. I already know he’s the type who doesn’t wear sunglasses, but yet has a pair perpetually perched on his head all the time. And the kid-


Ok, the kid is something else.

Take a look at the kid’s face. It’s that whole inane cutesiness that gets to me. His expression! He’s an annoying little bastard, isn’t he? He’s like a little midget who creeps into your room at night to kill you. Little midget bastard wearing a scouts uniform… oh god, who the fuck is designing all this?? Who is doing this shit??

I’ll tell y’all one thing la. This poster is so awful and clichéd, that it can already tell me the entire plot.

I will now write down the entire plot of this movie without knowing a single thing beforehand, and I guarantee you a 99% accuracy rate, or your money back.



The Plot of Syurga Cinta

-The Girl is the Kid’s teacher.

-The Guy is the Kid’s older brother/relative/neighbour.

-The Girl is looking for Mr Right. The Guy is always dating the wrong girl.

-The Kid decides to pair them up through many hilarious (gay) and cute (gay) ways, such as pretending to be sick in school so that the Guy has to come over and run into the Girl, or by sending text messages to both parties claiming to be the other.

-The Kid also has to make sure the rival love interest does not interfere in the relationship, e.g. stopping a slutty chick from going out with the Guy to a club, or putting laxatives into a suave male teacher’s coffee so he can’t ask out the Girl.

-There must be a breaking point where the Kid is forced to admit what he did, and the couple will be pissed off with the little bastard, but not for long because they realise that his little midget heart was in the right place.

-The Guy and the Girl soon realise they really love each other and the movie ends with a wedding, where the Kid sings/dances to a closing song number while we all try to wake up from a pool of our own vomit.



But just to make things interesting, if I had my say, this is how the movie would go:

-The Kid tells the Guy about his hot teacher. The Guy decides to seduce her.

-The Guy and the Girl go out for a while. He screws the shit out of her for a week and then dumps her sorry ass.

-The Girl goes back to school very upset and annoyed. She starts picking on the Kid for no reason, humiliating him in front of all the students. The Kid begins to hate school and life in general.

-The Guy uploads some 3gp sex clips online, to the Girl’s horror.

-The Girl hits the Kid one day in class, and is suspended with non-pay leave.

-The Kid finds out some time later that he is diagnosed with AIDS.


NEXT WEEK!!! LAMEST CHINESE MOVIE TITLE EVER!

You Are Retarded If You Listen To This…

Classic Songs Remixed Into Techno.


Because that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh, everyone loved Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, so now lets remix it with a 1000dB pounding bass drum-line, synth special effects and someone shouting ‘who let the dogs out?’ every 5 seconds.

Ok, I don’t really mind these ‘techno-tards’(copyright) blasting their mind-numbing trance garbage all day long – it’s only a matter of time until they OD on their Ecstasy pills anyway. But why remix Bryan Adams? And Lionel fucking Richie? I don’t get it.

The car hi-fi system nuts are usually the major offenders. These are the type of people whose cars sound like they have throbbing erections amplified, because of the bullshit being played inside. Also, on another note, these people are also the sort who fix up their cars so that the engine still runs for a couple of minutes, even after they’ve turned off the ignition and walked out, looking incredibly smug, as if to say “Yeap, that’s right. The engine is still running, but it’s ok – that’s how I set it.” Fuck you.

Only if you have ZERO musical taste, would you listen to Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time’ and think ‘Hmmm. Since I’m a bloody musical genius, with my Fruityloops and laptop, let’s see how else I can bastardize someone else’s work.’

Ok, fine. You want to add your retarded trance drums to otherwise slow songs. However musically sacrilegious that is, I understand your point, just like I understand genocide and child abuse. But why the hell is there some Euro-trash guy, who I imagine is topless and sweaty, shouting something random after every sentence in the song?

Celine Dion: Every night… in my dreams..

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: EVERYBODY DANCE! EVERYBODY MOVE! IBIZA! IBIZA!

Celine Dion: I see you.. I feel you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: I AM THE SOUL OF THE EAGLE! FLYING OVER IBIZA! RHYTHM!

Celine Dion: That is how I know you…

Euro Trash Piece of Shit: RHYTHM OVER IBIZA! EVERYBODY DANCING NOW!

Celine Dion (suddenly repeating the same phrase again and again like a fucking spastic): Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! GoGoGoGoGoGoGoGo OnOnOnOnOnOn!

Ibiza always sounded like a cool place, but now I hate it from the bottom of my heart. And the best part is how the DJs look – despite the huge sound, they’re all just a bunch of skinny, balding white guys wearing black rimmed spectacles.

On a final note, don’t think only white Euro trash and Chinese fengtao kids pull off this shit – I’m sad to say Punjabis are also to blame. Stop remixing every popular song with bhangra. It doesn’t work and never did. I don’t wanna hear Snoop Dogg being given the bhangra treatment. You guys have a great culture, and your women are hot (when young), but let’s all face the ugly truth – bhangra is one of the worst forms of music every conceived, and the dance is even worse.


So, stop listening to classic songs remixed into techno… because that means you’re totally gay. And retarded.

Motivational Section - How To Inspire People

You don’t need to sit through a Tony Robbins seminar to learn to inspire people. Through simple words and phrases, I can teach how to sound like your average stick-up-his-ass spiritual guru.


Repeat the Same Phrase Twice

By doing this, you drive your point deeper into the subject’s head. For example, if the subject is going to the liquor store, this is how your conversation might go:

Pathma: Bye, I’m off to the liquor store.

You: Hey, Pathma?

Pathma: What?

You: You can do it. You can do it.


Remember to take a slight pause between the two phrases. And for the second time, try to sound more smug, and maybe even nod in approval.



Pull off a ‘Steve Perry’

Instead of encouragement, this time you provide hope. Again, remember to sound like an asshole.

Pathma: Bye, I’m off to the liquor store.

You: Hey, Pathma?

Pathma: What?

You: Don’t stop believing.



Show a Very Sudden ‘Thumbs Up’

Please be sure that when you show your thumbs up, you do it really suddenly and proudly, like as if you were building momentum to jam your thumb up someone’s ass. Sorry, that was the only example I could think of.


Pathma: Bye, I’m off to the liquor store.

You: Hey, Pathma?

Pathma: What?

You: (shows a ‘thumbs up’ sign) Yeahh!


FOR ADVANCED INSPIRERS – Repeat The Same Phrase Twice, Pull off a Steve Perry and Show a Very Sudden ‘Thumbs Up’

Pathma: Bye, I’m off to the liquor store.

You: Hey, Pathma?

Pathma: What?

You: Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop believing. (shows a ‘thumbs up’ sign) Yeahh!

Pathma: Alright! Jesus…

Directions Guy Must Die!!

Today’s fucktard of the week is Directions Guy – the guy who can’t stop talking about directions to anywhere in the world.

Everyone knows someone like this. He’s the guy who knows the roads like I know Japanese porn – and trust me, I know my Japanese porn. I am now at a point of my life where I am perfectly comfortable watching a giggling Japanese girl piss on a guy wearing a bear costume. The giggling is the part I don’t get. Guy shits on her face and she’s still giggling like a schoolgirl. Just… giggling! Can’t stop giggling!

Ok, moving on. Instead of being helpful, Directions Guy pisses people off. You see, this guy also falls under the category of ‘People Who Have Nothing Interesting To Talk About But Yet Must Never Stop Talking’. Honourable mentions in this category also include ‘Guy Who Can’t Stop Talking About Handphones’ and ‘Guy Who Loves Telling You The Entire Plot of A Movie You Already Saw’.

Here are some examples of how a conversation with Directions Guy might go.

Me: Ok, I’m going back now.

Directions Guy: Where do you live?

Me: PJ.

Directions Guy: Oh, oh, which way you take? The Federal exit after the Sunway toll? Or the NKV exit before Subang?

Me: Errr.. the Federal one.

Directions Guy: Oooh, ok ok. That one if you go further, you’ll see a Sperm Bank. And then on the left you’ll see a wheelchair dealership right.

Me: Is that a question or…

Directions Guy (now has a throbbing erection): I know, I know where you’re going. If you go straight means, you’ll come to Jalan Nutsack. On the right is a Ballsack Restaurant I think.

Me: I really don’t…

Directions Guy: The NKV exit is better ‘cos less jam. That one you go straight and turn right means you’ll reach Brickfields. And on your left is the police station…

Me: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I ADMIT IT!! I like little boys, ok?? There, I said it!


Even worse, is when two Directions Guy meet each other. God help you if you’re in the middle of that conversation. But sometimes the odds can play to your favour too – Directions Guys are very haughty about their ‘knowledge’ and get extremely indignant when another Directions Guy contradicts them.

Me: How do I get to Midvalley from here?

Directions Guy #1: Oh, easy. I’ll give you the quickest way. You take the first exit after the PJ toll and then you head down past the ballroom…

Directions Guy #2: (suddenly joining conversation) No, that’s not it.

Directions Guy #1(indignant): What do you mean that’s not it?

Directions Guy #2: Fastest way is AFTER the PJ toll past the cable car rides, past the dance academy and then turn right.

Directions Guy #1: You crazy?? That one leads to the something or another la, past the whatsitcalled! And on your left you can see the carnival.

Directions Guy #2: Bastard! That road leads straight to the whorehouse past the woodcutter’s hut near the ass bank!

Directions Guy #1: I’ll kill you!



If you’re a Directions Guy, please only share your amazing knowledge of roads and highways when you’re asked to. You can still be saved.